Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998 10:48:59 -0800 (PST)
From: Frank Marquardt
Subject: Report from Webzine98, Part 1
To: The Unknown

I attended this so-called “conference.” They waived the five dollar admission and took me through the doorway on the back of a camel, once I proved my identity by furnishing, on some dumnbass doorman’s request, my I.D. They had four computers past all the techno-geeks and I bookmarked the Unknown’s URL on each and made it the homepage of two. People asked me to sign their tablets, hands, and tattoos, and I obliged them. Nobody bought me a drink but I winked at the bartender, who liked me, and she handed me a bottle of Tender Jimmy’s Tennessee Moonshine. I indicated this was the bottle I wanted with my tongue. There was a masseuse, and a table with horse tartar, which I ate while having my back stroked. Various techno “luminaries” sat on a stage, surrounded by instruments, and called up URLs on their laptops. I wished the band would come in. I wanted some sassy broad to sing some steamy rock and roll song because URLs, they’re so yawn. Nevertheless, I took mental notes to direct your attention to

www.zing.com and

www.butt.com

which both seemed interesting enough. I left as soon as my speech was over because I didn’t really want the myriads of fans to tear my clothes to pieces. A limo was outside waiting and my bodyguards, two former members of the Spice Girls, got me through the crowd okay. A former Soviet trainer was there to rub my feet and my bodygirls massaged my temples and fed me grapes. et cetera.

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