, “Dirk,” being of sound mind (the body being in dispute, given my status as a fiction) in anticipation of that event that comes to us all, now set forth my last will and testament. If I die there will be little doubt that the responsible parties will include my partners William Gillespie and Scott Rettberg. Despite this, I hereby appoint them as executors of my estate. Though I own nothing of obvious monetary value, if there be tangible gain obtainable, I direct my executors to donate all such proceeds to the Unknown (after deducting a reasonable 10% for each executor’s services. [Note: Scott will receive 10% of the original total amount, whereas William will receive 10% of whatever remains once Scott’s 10% fee has been removed.]). Since all I own is my name, the distribution of my assets will be brief. To my good friend and fellow murderer, Scott Rettberg, I leave the quotation marks to help keep the irony going both in the air, fingers like curled bunny ears flexing, and on the “page.” To another good friend and most excellent assassin, William Gillespie, I leave my ‘k’because his first name lacks the hard consonant necessary to make it marketable in a movie ad. I imagine the following alteration: Wilkliam. My ’r’will be freed: I can see no reason to keep it enslaved; finally, it will be able to pursue its interest in ontology. It was wrong to own another letter like that and I apologize. I fervently hope I will merit your forgiveness. My ‘i’ I bequeath on the very first child born after these words are first read by someone other than the author. Use it in peace; may it serve you well. Finally, the capital ’d’ I bestow to the moon. She knows why. This document was written and signed before this monitor on August 16, 1998.

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