Spineless Books
Bored of Directors Meeting
Present:
Rob Swigart, President (in the city)
Dirk Stratton, Secretary
William Gillespie, Treasurer (in word and spirit)
7:00 p.m. 27 March 2004
Trader Vic’s
Chicago
(During the 2004 AWP)
Before the
Treasurer’s
travel schedule became as inscrutable as Dick Cheney’s travels between
his various undisclosed locations, the Chicago AWP was to be the locus of the
historic third Bored of Directors Meeting of Spineless Books. (The City of
Chicago, for reasons unknown, did not lobby particularly heavily for this event.)
Despite
the Treasurer’s erratic itinerary, which had him somewhere in the Midwest,
just not in Chicago, the other two intrepid bored members were in Chicago together—just
not together in the sense of actual physical proximity. The Secretary takes
full responsibility for that. He should have tried harder. He knew the Treasurer
might
flake out, and he was also aware of the legal responsibilities, i.e. that non-profit
organizations are required to have regular bored meetings. However, the President
resides on the West Coast, the Treasurer on the East, and the Secretary is
lodged firmly in the bitter undercolon known as the Midwest. Getting all three
members
of the bored together is difficult.
So, the Secretary, knowing that a bored
meeting should be held, that a bored meeting had not been held for almost two
years, the Secretary, knowing all
that, should have done more to make a true bored meeting happen. He should
have been
more proactive in his search for President Rob “White Pig” Swigart.
He should have attended the panel for which the President was a presenter: “Web
Fair Panel: The Bottom Drawer—Writers, and Their Work,” but he
had only learned of this panel after it had already occurred. The Secretary
could
have had the President paged, but a White Courtesy phone proved difficult to
locate, and when the Secretary finally found one, it was a Black Courtesy phone.
Discouraging, to say the least.
Instead, the Secretary spent a lot of time
scanning the AWP crowds looking for the President. Would he even recognize
Swigart if he saw him? the Secretary
wondered.
The Secretary thought so, but was not overly confident. Not that the President
is unrecognizable, just that the Secretary’s eyes have been going bad
lately and he has begun having difficulty identifying simple things like snow
cones
and silverware (eating ice cream with a salad fork can be quite embarrassing).
Talon
Memnot found the Secretary in a bar and informed the Secretary that the President
was questioning the Treasurer’s absence. Talon did not report
the level of irritation evinced by the President, if any. Conversing with Talon
was as close as the Secretary was going to get to the President, it seemed.
But that was soon to end, as Talon was soon to be off to a dinner party being
thrown
at Joe Tabbi’s apartment for that ebr crowd.
Something had to be done.
It seemed to the Secretary that the very future of Spineless Books now rested
on his less-than-stable back. The Secretary retired
to Trader Vic’s to consider his options while drinking a London Sour
cocktail. While smoking a Camel Light generously donated by Talon, the Secretary
decided
that there would be a bored meeting one way or another. He’d come to
Chicago to write the minutes, and goddammit! he was going to write some minutes.
Still,
the Secretary needed the “presence” of the other two bored
members. The Secretary had the President’s panel-member bio: author of
8 novels, several hypertexts, San Jose University English Department faculty
member for 30+ years, etc. etc. Plus, the Secretary knew that the President’s
actual body was somewhere in the Chicago area, quite likely in the very same
hotel, which housed the restaurant in which the Secretary was currently sitting.
The Treasurer’s presence was more problematical given the absence of
his body from the Chicago area. However, the Secretary did have a Moleskine
notebook
in his possession that contained notes scrawled in the distinctive hand of
the Treasurer. Given that a writer is nothing, if not their words, this seemed
an
adequate substitute. Just to be on the safe side, the Secretary wrote Johnny
Werd on a bar napkin and then called the meeting to order, while noticing that
the Trader Vic’s bartenders used pliers to squeeze limes into the tropical
drinks.
The President immediately objected. What’s wrong with using pliers?
the Secretary asked. That’s not what I’m objecting to, the President
replied. I’m objecting you calling the meeting to order. That’s
my job. The Secretary could tell that this was going to be a difficult meeting.
And it was. Rather than re-live all the acrimonious arguments, character dispersions,
threats of physical violence, warnings about possible lawsuits, and relentless
cursing, the Secretary offers the following condensed summary of the meeting’s
accomplishments.
Asked about Spineless Books’ recent sales history, the
Treasurer replied, Miniscule.
Asked about Spineless Books’ overall financial
situation, the Treasurer replied, Grave.
Asked about Spineless Books’ publishing
schedule, the Treasurer replied, Shrinking.
Asked about Spineless Books’ Fitzpatrick-O’Dinn
book contest, the Treasurer simply smiled.
Seeking to end things on this positive
note, the President made the following motion: I move that we accept the minutes
for the last meeting even though
they haven’t been read yet and that we urge the Treasurer to continue
operating the operation exactly the way he has been operating it except that
he should
stop doing those types of operating that haven’t worked out well or should
at least change those ways of operating to better ways of operating that actually
work and also to adjourn this meeting.
The Secretary seconded the motion, after
grimacing the whole time during the transcription of said motion.
The motion
to accept the minutes, and to urge the Treasurer to do things better, and to
adjourn the meeting passed unanimously, despite concern by some bored
members that the motion violated longstanding parliamentary procedure.
The Secretary
crumpled up the Johnny Werd napkin, put away the AWP program that contained
the President’s panel-member bio, finished his drink, and went
to see if something exciting had happened elsewhere since he’d been gone.
Respectfully submitted,
Dirk Stratton
Secretary
1 May 2004
