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20 October 1999
William Gillespie & Dirk Stratton
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"Many who had questions about the treaty worked
hard to postpone the vote because they knew a defeat would be
damaging to America's interests and to our role in leading
the world away from nonproliferation."
—Clinton on defeat of Comprehensive Test Ban
Treaty, 14 October 19
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Clinton signs Comprehensive
Acid Test Ban Treaty
Clinton signs the International Acid Test Ban Treaty. The
surprise announcement, released over the Worldwide Web, completely shut
down the entire Internet. Worldwide chaos ensued as electronic commerce
ground to a halt, banks failed, the stock market crashed, and search engines
froze as Clinton's slowly dissolving visage gradually took over every
computer screen in the known universe.
Outraged Republican lawmakers vowed vengeance, insisting that they were
really, really, really, really, really, really mad this time and claiming
that they wouldn't take it anymore. "We never wanted to test acid,
in the first place," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott fumed, in
a peculiarly high and squeaky voice, "and to suggest otherwise, even
implicitly, is simply an act of blatant political partisanship by the
most disgusting, slimey, infantile, wretched, sex-obsessed, pedophilic,
stupid, icky, poophead ever to be elected by a gullible electorate, who,
by the way, also make us pretty mad sometimes. Believe me, the Republican
leadership intends to get even some way and some day, no matter how ridiculous
we look or politically damaging our actions are to the Republican Party."
Asked why Lott sounded so funny, a spokesperson explained that he and
other members of the GOP had been sequestered in a helium-rich atmosphere
in decompression chamber to protect them from their persistent high blood
pressure and frequent episodes of frothing at the mouth.
White House spokespeople had no comment.
The President continues to disintegrate.
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