Distribution: 3 Printed in Urbana 17 September 1998 FREE

Independent Counsel Caught in Confirmed Inappropriate Relationships

AP (associated Poets) Today the results of the DNA test have been announced, and there is no longer any doubt. The semen stain on Newt Gingrich's tie belongs to Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr. Our Newspoetry month-long investigation is completed, and it turns out that many of the astonishing rumors about Starr are now beyond dispute. Although it is doubtful that Starr broke any serious laws, and while the overwhelming public sentiment seems to be "don't tell us, please, we really don't want to know," Washington D.C., and a few other isolated parts of America are outraged and calling for his immediate resignation.

Evidence obtained from tapping Starr's phone, bugging his house, studying his e-mail, breaking into his office, home and computer, and keeping him under tight 24-hour surveillance; have made it possible for us not only to verify the rumors in circulation about Starr, but also to put into circulation yet more rumors. All the evidence obtained from this investigation is now available on the world wide web, although our site is expected to be very busy for a number of weeks.

Independent Counsel Starr was carrying on a love affair with GOP Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. Over the past month, they have had sex twice, and have exchanged gifts valued in the tens of thousands of dollars, many at taxpayer expense. They also exchanged over 1200 love letters in which they refer to each other by affectionate names. Although Gingrich's wife reported that she "did not mind" and was, in fact, "relieved," this act still constitutes adultery according to some interpretations of the ten commandments, which many Republicans tend to confuse with the ten amendments that make up the Bill of Rights. In his private correspondence, Starr would often address Gingrich as "sweetie," "muffin," or "my slippery little newt." These letters often refer obliquely to apparent sex games the two enjoyed, such as "rolling back welfare," "balancing the love budget," "having a Grand Old Party," and "Cruel and Unusual Punishment." A great many of the letters refer to "Tough Love."

Senator Strom Thurmond (R - North Carolina) was outraged to hear of this, as he too had been carrying on an illicit affair with Starr. Although they had never successfully had sex, after many an attempt they had spent a "tender moment" together lying in bed smoking Camels. Thurmond, 94, is the nation's longest-serving senator, but is apparently still frisky. One of Starr's private letters to Thurmond reads: "I knew the man who was able to lead a 24-hour and 13-minute filibuster against Civil Rights Legislation, even fifty years later, would be able to last a long time in the sack."

Senator Jesse Helms (R - North Carolina), however, may have been the most hurt. Letters from Helms dating back over the past ten years indicate that he thought that he was Starr's "one and only." Further investigation, though, reveals that this may be a cover. Helms, Thurmond, and Starr may have had more than one clandestine rendezvous for sex. An anonymous desk clerk at Washington D.C.'s Independence Motel and Lodge reported that a maid had accidentally walked into a room that had been checked out by Starr under the name "Henry Longfellow" and had witnessed an apparent three-way tryst between aging men. She could not recall any details because she had "blocked them out of her mind." Records show that "Longfellow" had checked out a double seven times over a three-year period, and, on two of those occasions, had reserved the honeymoon suite with mirrored ceilings, bubble machine, and rotating star-shaped bed.

Most alarming to those of us on the left, however, particularly animal rights advocates, Starr's liasons were limited neither to RepublicansÖ nor human beings. Stay tuned for our special report.