75 spectacular sound effects       /       authentic sound effects V.3

HUNGER HEALTHY, STUDIES SHOW

Associated Poets: Scientists Tuesday concluded that there is no relation between food and health. A study in which ten volunteers refused food for a year has concluded that there are no detectable links between starvation and death. Scientists attribute this to the new purified nutrient-enriched global water supply implemented late last century.

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NEW DELIVERY PROGRAM TO HELP MOVE FREE PIANOS

Washington D.C.: Free, government-issue pianos, offered to the poor as part of President Sarah Blythe's cultural awakening program, were filling warehouses as few of the people who wanted them could move them. A new moving crew has been hired to help the government deliver free pianos to the public.

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PRIVATE RADIO STATION BOOM

It is very easy to own your own FM station these days. The equipment necessary to build a transmitter can be obtained for about $10. A license will run you another $5. Because so many frequencies previously used by police, the military, and disbanded government agencies such as the DEA, the INS, and the CIA, have been turned over to the public domain; what was previously FM now occupies about fifty times as much of the dial as it used to. Many enthusiasts have their own 24-hour, 8-hour, and even 1-hour stations.

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WORLD ON WAGON?

There have been no reports of alcoholic beverages anywhere on the planet for over a decade. Alcohol, an intoxicating and pungent liquid made from fermenting organic material, had been considered a staple of humanity for over two centuries. Its effects included euphoria, nausea, extroversion, anesthesia, and impaired motor control of all sorts. No one has yet offered a conclusive theory as to the reason for alcohol's fall from popular use.

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EDITORIAL

I am appalled at the amount of government giveaways to people who are basically lazy. Our country needs to have a functioning military again. Since the military was dismantled and all my tax money given to single mothers who write music this country has gone to hell.

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REPORT OF FIREARM

Tucson - A man was allegedly seen with a gun yesterday. An eyewitness reported a white man in a leather jacket with what appeared to be a gun. No information is known.

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NOT EVERYTHING PERFECT

One of the six hundred luxury public housing units built last year in cities all across the country is suffering from electrical problems. Officials say it will be repaired by next week.

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RUSSIA IN LOVE AGAIN, YELTSIN ANNOUNCES

Moscow -- Russia and Finland have fallen in love for what history says is not the first time. Yeltsin yesterday told reporters he felt invigorated.

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PRESIDENT BLYTHE'S NOVEL NEARLY FINISHED

In an interview with reporters yesterday, Sarah Blythe excitedly claimed that she had finished everything except minor proofreading. The novel will be on the shelves next month.

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EDITORIAL: MORE PARKS?

When I was a kid I remember seeing daddy come home from his job with the timber company with one of his hands missing. A chainsaw accident, probably a trap left by ecological activists, left him unable to work in our nations' forests and he was forced to work in a bank. When I heard about President Blythe's proposal to turn all of Utah into a national park, I had mixed feelings. There are definitely goo things about it.

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POPULATION EXPLOSION

For the first time in ten years, the population of the world grew.

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THE GOOD OLD DAYS

A poll shows that ten percent of Americans actually miss landfills. Many have good associations with the old garbage dumps, long since excavated and forested, generally because they used to play there as children. Sculptors and collage artists are also affected by a shortage of materials.

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ENTIRE WORLD MADE U.S. CITIZENS

In a decision that will erase history, the Supreme Court today extended U.S. citizenship to the entire world. Now people of all nations are guaranteed the rights set forth in the U.S. Constitution, as well as the right to vote in all U.S. elections. Fidel Castro & Former President Blythe were photographed shaking hands after their wedding last night.

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CAT HAIR PREVENTS CANCER

A substance in the hair of domestic cats, and possibly dogs, maybe one of the best cancer preventatives yet discovered. The news was responded to with shocked dismay by those affected by allergies and those who do not like pets. Studies show that living in a house with a shedding cat reduces the risk of most types of cancer. Many people, upon hearing this news, have begun to sweep and vacuum their homes less frequently, and many have opened their homes to neighborhood alleycats, coercing them with expensive salmon and well-maintained litter boxes. "This is absurd!" Simon Rathgar of the American Medical Association announced at a press conference Monday. Across the country, humane societies have empty cages where cats would normally be.

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EXPERIMENTAL NAVAL STATION ORCHESTRA CROSSOVER PRECARIOUS

When the United States military was dismantled, most of the bases were turned into museums. A few, however, were kept in operation and the officers who occupied them trained in some other craft. The Naval Station in Annapolis, for example, was converted into a concerthall, and all the soldiers were trained to play classical instruments. Five years later, it is still too early to call the experiment a success. A fight in the woodwind section during a rehearsal Ravel's La Valse has left four of their finest instrumentalists unable to play in Sunday night's concert.

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ATLANTIS FOUND

An island which is probably the lost continent Atlantis was discovered Tuesday in the Pacific. The continent has been missing for 4000 years because it is in the wrong ocean. According to reports, it is still a wonderful place to live and its inhabitants have not minded being lost.

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WANTED

Poet. Working knowledge of archaic meters and forms a must. Must not be too serious. Starting salary $10 a line.

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GLENN GOULD ALIVE

An eccentric Canadian pianist was Tuesday discovered to be still living, having faked his death. Mr. Gould is nearly 154 years old and appears to be in perfect health. He has plans to make another recording of Bach's Goldberg Variations soon.

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GOVERNMENT UNDERSTAFFED IN WAKE OF ECONOMIC UPTURN

Even after the dismantling of the military, there are still not enough unemployed people to staff certain government agencies. Last Tuesday the Library of Congress had one person staffing it. Due to a computer failure, the lone staffer had no choice but to lend out books using the honor system.

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ARTISTS OWED BACK SALARY

Today congress decided that the President's decree that all artists be paid for their work is retroactive. This means that all living authors of unpublished work are entitled to back royalties. Graffiti artists, songwriters, and mail art artists are unexpectedly due money for previous work, which sometimes adds up.

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CULT

There is a small group of people who still celebrate capitalism, pretending to give one another gifts every Christmas. The Christmas ritual has all but vaished since the end of private property.

[what in the world?]

[no winners, no losers]

[gringo blaster]