NEWSPOEM 25 FEBRUARY 1996

The shelling has finally stopped: the War on Drugs has ended in defeat. Today the United States surrendered as boatloads of cocaine blockaded the Atlantic seaboard. Marijuana surrounded the White House and President Clinton, lips tightly sealed, barricaded himself in the Presidential suana even as billows of crack smoke emanated from giant glowing rocks. Sniper heroin needles embedded in his bulletproof vest, VP Al Gore gave a brief press release. "Despite the enemy's efforts, top government officials are not stoned yet." Rumours of LSD infiltrating the water supply have caused many to try their luck finding bottled water, negotiating traffic jams caused by people slumped at the wheel drooling, tobacco fires burning everywhere, floods of whiskey making roads impassable, and occasional volleys of antidepressants. There have been no casualties so far.