INTERVIEW WITH GODOT
Um: Do you know what happened?
Laut: what ?
Um: I just did an interview with Godot.
Laut: You're kidding. All my life I've been trying to get an interview with Godot, but I can't find him.
Um: It was easy. I did a search with Google on the internet. I just typed Godot, and up popped his home page and his email.
Laut: You're bullshitting me. Godot on the net!
Um: No, it's true. Why not. Godot is a guy like the rest of us. The word Godot is part of our language and our culture.
Laut: What kind of web site does he have?
Um: Oh, a very simple one. You know, very ethereal. A kind
of no man's land in the great cyberspace.
Laut: Give me the address. I want to look him up.
Um: I can't do that. Godot made me swear that I would not give out his web site and email to anyone, or else I'll be punished.
Laut: You're pulling my leg.
Um: Look, if you don't believe me, just forget it.
Laut: Okay, okay. So what did you do. Don't tell me you sent Godot an email and he answered.
Um: Yes, a brief reply. Only a few words. You know, Godot is not very garrulous.
Laut: What did he say? Did he agree to be interviewed?
Um: No. He said: I have no views to inter. That's exactly how he put it.
Laut: So what did you do when he said he had no views to inter?
Um: I sent him a second e-mail explaining that it didn't matter to me that he had no views to inter since I'm not really interested in his views. I told him I just wanted to have a friendly dialogue. Find out if things are okay with him. His health. His financial situation. His family life, that is if he has one. And I even specified that if the dialogue takes on the form of an interview it would be without any real purpose, direction or intention.
Laut: So, what happened?
Um: he wrote back saying, Okay let's dialogue. Then he added a post script: It's lonely and discouraging, I'm sure you know Mister Um, to fight the soliloquy battle alone. That's exactly how he put it.
Laut: He said that. Poor Godot. Yes, it must hard for him to exist in such immense solitude.
Um: I was very touched by what he said. Do you realize, Godot wants me to come and help him fight against the soliloquy. He even addressed me by name. It shows what a great guy he is.
Laut: It's really something. Hard to believe. One wouldn't expect that from Godot. He's such an inaccessible being. So, what happened after that?
Um: Well, we met in a secret place.Laut: Where?Um: Oh, I can't tell you that. He made me promise that I would never reveal where we met.
Laut: That's understandable. He doesn't want the masses to come and bug him. But me, your best friend, can't you tell me?
Um: Impossible. Absolutely impossible. It's a matter of moral faithfulness towards Godot.
Laut: Moral faithfulness! My ass. Since when, my Dear Um have you become faithfully moral?
Um: Well, since I met Godot. It changed my whole moral attitude. That's what happens when you meet someone like Godot.
Laut: Don't tell me you fell for Godot?
Um: Let just say that I was impressed with him. He's a real
Laut: You're going to have problem convincing people of that. Most people think Godot is a mean selfish guy because he refuses to show up.
Um: Look, do you want to hear the dialogue we had, or not. I recorded it on tape word for word.
Laut: You what! You recorded what Godot said! That's incredible. You mean to say, he let you record the dialogue?
Um: No, he didn't know I was recording. I didn't ask his permission. I had my little Sony tape recorder, you know the one you gave me for my birthday, hidden in my breast pocket. I felt like a spy.
Laut: You're really something, you know. It's disgusting to do that to Godot. I think you're in fucking big trouble. Don't you know that Godot knows everything, sees everything, hears everything, smells everything, touches everything ...Um: Yes, yes, I know Godot has five senses like the rest of us, but he never uses them.
Laut: How do you know that?
Um: He told me so. He said that to use one's senses to apprehend the world is mere competence. One must learn to exist beyond senses.
Laut: You're sure Godot said that? You must have misunderstood. That would mean that we must live in total non-sense. I don't get it. Didn't you ask him to explain?
Um: No, I didn't ask for an explanation because I think I know what he meant. But it's possible that's not exactly how he put it. You know, I'm a little hard of hearing. And Godot speaks very fast.
Laut: Don't you have it on tape?
Um: No. Not this part of our conversation. You see, just when he was explaining what he meant about the senses, the tape ran out. I was going to put a new one in the recorder while he was not looking, but he said he was tired, and he left. Just like that. He disappeared, poof, as if he had pulverized into the air. Laut: Just like that? Like a magic trick?
Um: Yes, just like that, presto, and no more Godot. As though he had never been there.
Laut: Maybe you dreamt the whole thing.
Um: I have the tape to prove that we met. You can hear his voice.
Laut: I bet he has a very deep voice. So, what did you guys talk about?
Um: Oh, nothing in particular. I asked him a few vague questions, and...
Laut: What kind of questions?
Um: You know, the usual. The kind of questions you ask when you first meet someone. First, I asked him how old he is.
Laut: He must be very old.
Um: He didn't look old. He looked ... how shall I put it ... outmoded.
Laut: Outmoded? What do you mean?
Um: Well, you know, like he didn't belong to our century. You see what I mean?
Laut: So how old is he? Didn't he tell you when you asked.
Um: No, he just shrugged his shoulders sort of saying he didn't know.
Laut: Makes sense to me, since he's probably immortal.
Um: Then I asked him what he did for a living. Again the same shrug of the shoulders.
Laut: Dumb question, my Dear Um. Obviously Godot is unemployed. He is his own boss. He doesn't have to work for a living. I bet he spends most of his time playing games. I wouldn't be surprised if in fact he spends his days playing golf, or something like that.
Um: I know, but I thought I'd ask anyway. One never knows. But I should have asked him if he plays golf.
Laut: Yes, a fanatic of golf like you should have asked. Maybe he would have invited you to play a round of golf with him. And I could have joined you. Too bad. What else did you ask?
Um: Then I asked him if he could tell me where he lives. This time he didn't shrug his shoulders, he just smiled as if to say, does one really know where one lives.
Laut: Old Godot may be smarter than we think. So far he hasn't reveal a damn thing.
Um: I was not interviewing him so that he could reveal something. I didn't expect that. I just wanted to see if he has a beard.
Laut: Does he have one?
Um: Not that day. He was clean shaven. And he even had his hair neatly combed, with a part on the side. And he was wearing a three piece suit. Sort of greyish.
Laut: Well, well. Are you sure it was Godot?
Um: Damn right I'm sure. How many Godots do you think there are in the world?
Laut: One is enough. That's for sure. Imagine how difficult and complicated life would be if there were Godots all over the place. So what else did you ask him?
Um: Of course, I had to ask him when he plans to come. This time he raised his arms in the air to indicate that he had no idea.
Laut: Not surprising. Maybe that gesture meant that he has no intention of ever coming. So the whole encounter was a waste of time.
Um: Yes, the situation was getting hopeless. But I knew that in advance. Finally, I couldn't resist, I asked him if he ever fucks.
Laut: Come on, you didn't ask him that?
Um: Yes, I did. And do you know what he answered. I used to could.Laut: I used to could? But that's the way they speak in Texas. Don't tell me Godot is from Texas.
Um: That would be a real bummer.
Laut: And then.
Um: Nothing. That was the end of the interview. That's when he disappeared.
Laut: I thought you said he disappeared when he was about to explain the senses?
Um: Godot can talk about several things at the same time.
Laut: Now I understand why you were so confused. So, That was the whole thing.
Um: Yes, that was it. But I was not disappointed because I saw Godot.
Laut: I cannot believe you had a chance to get the whole truth from Godot, and that's all you got. What a waste. I can assure you, if I had interviewed him, I would have gotten everything out of him, everything!
Um: I didn't want to impose on him. He is such a nice guy.
Laut: How big is he?
Um: 8 1ž2 by 11.
Laut: What! 8 1ž2 by 11. The size of a piece of typing paper.
Um: Yes, American size paper.
Laut: If I were you, I wouldn't tell that to anybody. Imagine what a panic it would cause. Godot, 8 1ž2 by 11.
Um: So what! Nobody is perfect.