B = ben jenkins TABLE THREE / 20 CONSONANT SPORTSCASTER

D = danielle chynoweth as the waiter

E = mark enslin TABLE THREE / 20 CONSONANT SPORTSCASTER

EB = erica bonovitz as herself and as Kate TABLE ONE

J = joe wicks TABLE TWO / DORMROOM

JJ = jason merriwether ENGINEER 2 / TABLE THREE

K = Kord Russell TABLE THREE

L = eric bright as himself and as Marc TABLE TWO

M = mike suchy DORMROOM / TABLE TWO / JUDGED APPLAUSE SPORTSCASTER

MC = matt nimnicht as himself and MC / ENGINEER 1

R = rob benton TABLE ONE

S = steve abreu as himself and as Jeffrey TABLE ONE

T = Tracy malvar as tracy and as Stacey TABLE TWO / JUDGED APPLAUSE SPORTSCASTER

W = william as various dj’s

Other contributors include Susan Parenti and Herbert Brün

J I’m sick and tired of always studying for these tests. They never end. And I know I’ll fail ‘em all.

M Yeah, I know exactly what you’re saying. Tests are everywhere; it seems like my whole life is just a bunch of tests.

J Ya know what? After these exams are over, I’m going home for the weekend. Take myself a little break.

[pencil sharpens again]

M Yeah well, who’s to say you’ll find any escape when you go home. If you will, let me take a minute to tell you about the last time I went home.

[Pencil sharpener]

[Pencil sharpener]

J That’s an odd way of putting it, man. Might I add that if you take too many of those kinds of tests, you’ll eventually fail.

M (sullenly) I know, I know all too well

J Enough of this. Back to the real issue at hand–Chem test! If I don’t hit the books hard, my Chem grade is gonna be at an all time low.

[sharpener]

M Ya know–

Zumdahl’s book ain’t too crappy if waxing queue veggiez!.

J Cheers to that!

[clink glasses]

M My little brother is so funny. He’s just beginning to learn how to think and put stuff together. you should see some of the odd combos he comes up with when he mixes one idea with another.

J What do you mean?

M Well, the other day, he learned how to tie his shoes. All he does now is tie his shoes to a table leg.

J Weird kid, man.

M Yeah, well, today he was sitting by his toy piano in his room. He kept staring at the wall, too. I don’t know why, all he’s got on the wall are wood cutouts of his initials.

J Interesting.

M Yeah, then all of a sudden he started tinkering on the piano and came up with a little tune. He played it so many times, I remember exactly how it goes now.

J Oh yeah, let’s hear it.

M If you say so.

[CB radio] [Khh indicates a static burst from mouth. All CB lines spoken into coffeecups]

E Khh. Breaker 1-9, Babe here, goin’ north bound on logging road Z. Khh.

K Khh. Go ahead break. Khh.

E Khh. Looks like a pile of trash blocking the road. Khh.

K Khh. What kind of trash, over. Khh.

(pause)

E Khh. Looks like . . . looks like some kinda, ahh, protesters. Can’t see what they’re doing yet, over. Khh.

K Khh. Sounds like you got you some Earth Firsters, Babe. Step on it, over. Khh.

E Khh. Pancake breakfast, over. Khh.

MC [Sound engineer 1]: Let me hear mic number 2.

JJ [Sound engineer 2]: Testing 2, 3, 5, 8 . . . I think we’re picking up a radio signal in this monitor.

E Khh. These bozos got a big roadblock, I’m gonna have to pull over. Looks like a sound stage, over. Khh.

K Khh. Blockin’ the road with rock concert, huh? Boy that burns me up, don’t they know we got families to feed? Over. Khh.

E Khh. Not a rock concert. They’re waving pieces of paper around. Khh.

K Khh. Ya might as well watch the show until Smoky arrives, over. Khh.

E Khh. Roger.

S Caught the tail end of Sesame Street, are you going to get me a drink or not? Thanks. Hey, brought to you by S, T, U, and V, the number 4.

MC everybody give a warm round of applause for JJ

- JJ Merriwether

J JJ!

JJ joe!

J long time no see

JJ yeah i know. so how’s it going?

J beautiful, just beautiful… say, that piece of your you just did…

JJ yeah?

J i loved it! i’m no poet, myself, so why don’t you tell me a little bit about it.

JJ sure. even though i’m only 18, i’ve been through a lot. bad relationships just happens to be one example. i was trying to suggest a way of going about finding a good relationship so someone else won’t get hurt.

J then why didn’t you say that when you were up there?

JJ because there’s a catch. i limited myself to using the last letter of each word as the first letter of the next, that way i can really search my heart for my, true, feelings.

J well! haven’t we come up since high school!

JJ oh yeah? wait ‘til you hear this next piece of mine called My Place. you already know that I was raised on the South Side of Chicago, and you know how bad things were in the streets back home. so i decided to expose just some of the harsh realities, my realities…

MC ladies and gentlemen please welcome back to the stage: JJ

[applause]

JJ oh, that’s my cue. see ya later, joe!

J take care JJ! [awed] wow! what a guy!

[football march] [cheering loop]

W …live in Oslo, Norway. Welcome to RBS’s coverage at the 30^th Olympic Games.

D [in studio] We’ve had quite a lot of unusual competition today

W Well, at least the attendance hasn’t been down, in case you missed it, it’s day one of experimental games

D And we have a full day of 20 consonant poetry and a new event, popular here in Norway, called Judged Applause

W Let’s go down to Bornen Market Centerwhere Andrea Roberts & Marky Postal are live at the Judged Applause Venue.

T [whisper] our first competitor is Ben… he’s ready to go

M but first we should explain the rules to our viewers at home

T the competitors are given 100 opportunities to either clap or not clap, and the competitors are also allowed to pick the speed at which the 100 events take place

M Ben is known as one of the best in his field

T well, he hails from Switzerland which holds the 1995 Judged Applause team title

M we now join Ben on the field for his first attempt

clap 1

M a great clap… Ben’s enthusiasm is really being conveyed well here today

T could that be it? will there be another attack? the crowd is breathless

clap 2

M so far this piece seems to have a very slow tempo

T we’re getting the time signature now, marky, and it’s 100 over 4

clap 3

M this is no ordinary technique

claps 4-8

[M & T gasp and murmer with each clap]

M a truly amazing performance in the arena here today.

T a very amazing piece. well we’ll be seeing the scores in a few minutes. and now over to Mark in the twenty consonant arena

[reset loop to indicate cut]

E Thanks, Tracy. The rules of the twenty consonant competition are as follows: the contestant is to use each of the twenty consonants in the english alphabet once, and only once, using vowels freely.

B And, as you know, Mark, since a decision made in the 1991 games in Reykjavik, the letter Y is considered a vowel.

E That’s right, Ben, and, given these constraints, our olympiads are expected to compose a poem with a deeper meaning, one that addresses issues of truth, beauty, love, death, family...

B Experiences universal to all the spectators in the stands here today.

E Universal to all of us, Ben.

B That’s right. Well, last year’s gold medalist Matt Nimnicht is just now taking the field for the twenty consonant poetry event. The crowd is sitting on the edge of its collective seat waiting to hear what Matt will do with this most exacting of poetic hurdles. He’s taking a big breath, and…

MC

mixed up the joker’s face, zany view, bag quip

quite very waxed from gaba loss, hijack zen

zoom quickly, fax a gag, just weave rabid, happen

-Matt Nimnicht

B Zowie! Whoa! A quantum back flip over our judges’ apex! Matt Nimnicht is clearly at the top of his game. Here he is just coming off the field. Matt, you must be feeling pretty good at this moment, wouldn’t you say?

MC ?

B I couldn’t help noticing that there were only three words in the whole poem that contained the letter G. Was this part of your overall game plan?

MC ?

B So are you saying that in every line, each of the twenty consonants appeared only once?

MC ?

B What, exactly, is ‘gaba’?

MC ?

B The crowd is still shaking its collective head over "mixed up the joker’s face, zany view, bag quip". Could you let our audience at home in on what you had in mind with that line?

MC ?

B I think our audience can relate to that. And how about "quite very waxed from gaba loss, hijack zen"?

MC ?

B And where does "zoom quickly, fax a gag, just weave rabid, happen" fit in?

MC ?

B I know what you mean, Matt. We’ll be looking forward to your next event. We’ve been speaking with Matt Nimnicht, a formidable juggernaut in the 20 consonant event. And now back to Tracy Malvar at the judged applause.

[reset loop]

T We’re seconds away from the next competitor, Steve Abreu. Steve Abreu is a powerhouse of rhythmic subtlety,

M …and he broke the world’s record when he became the first human being to break the time signature of 11 over 13.

T Tonight, Steve is doing something no competitor has eer done for the Judged Applause competition: he is using a piano.

M This is certainly going to cause our judges some consternation. He is about to begin.

[pause loop]

W We interrupt the experimental composition olympics to bring you the following important news spasm.

K [in studio, close miked]

W This has been a test of EPS, the emergency poetry system. In the event of an epic poem, you will be advised to situate yourself where you can be close to your radio for an extended period of time. We now return you to the experimental composition olympics…

[unpause loop]

E our next twenty consonant competitor is Eric Bright

B quickly now we take you back to Mike at the Judged Applause Event.

[reset loop]

M …of the funny things about this event is that spectators are discouraged from applauding as this might throw the judges off. So many enthusiasts have brought musical instruments and use them to show their appreciation for the applause onstage

T Funny, isn’t it, Matt?

M Not really, Tracy, not to me.

T Our final competitor today is Joe Wicks

[end loop]

[applause]

MC: CONCERNING THE FOLLOWING PIECE: BE CONCERNED, DO NOT BE VERY CONCERNED!

[applause]

MC: Yuck. Why did you write that?

K: I was feeling nauseaus.

MC: Well, why did you perform it then?

K: Oh, I was feeling noxious...wanted to share.

MC: That's great. Wanna perform it again?

K: Naww, shucks.

MC: Disgusting.

K: You should hear my theater piece!

MC: I will.

MC: 20 CONSONANT THEATER BRINGS YOU: DEATH IN THE CLASSIC TRADITION. (AND REMEMBER FOLKS, DEATH IS NEVER REALLY CLASSIC.)

KORD’S TWENTY CONSONANT POEM

[applause]

T hey erica, can i sit here?

E sure, tracy

T how’s it going?

EB good, and you?

T ok, how’s JJ? why’s he sitting 2 tables away?

EB you didn’t hear? we broke up!

T no way!

EB things were just crazy…

T that sucks, i’m sorry.

EB yeah,… oh well… i wonder what he’s doing over there, it looks like he’s writing something… i wonder what…

JJ [speaking softly close to the microphone] i’m sorry erica. here i am sitting 2 tables away from you, writing this letter. there you are sitting all alone, and here i am too chicken to face you. tracy just left you looking so depressed. i wonder what you two were talking about. anyway, i’m so confused right now. we’ve been together for such a long time. just look at you, you’re such a beautiful person. i must be crazy. oh, now here comes matt. gosh, look at your beautiful smile as you greet him. it lights up the room. well, i guess this is it. sorry, erica. it’s not working. we have to…

S break up?! erica, why did you tell tracy that you broke up with JJ!?!

EB i don’t know, steve. i just wanted to see tracy’s reaction… she’s so gullible, ya know? i’ll tell her the truth later.

S be careful… what if it comes true?

EB never would happen. we’re perfect… we’re…

D excuse me, are you erica?

EB um…. yes

D that guy over there wanted me to give this letter to you. he says he’s terribly sorry.

EB oh… thank you.

S erica, what is it. you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

EB shhh… let me open [exaggerated sound of envelope torn open]

[applause]

J what is going on here? gee, i thought this was going to be a coffeehouse, with music and-

T well, this is a coffeehouse, and there is music, it’s just-

J music?? i haven’t heard any music at all! where was the music?

T welll-, there was music made out of the sounds of paper, and-

J that isn’t music!! those little rustly sounds of paper. paper: that’s not music!! music is guitars + drums + singing + -

T well, they’ve been playing pieces that are made out of paper sounds. it is a kind of music that-

J violins and saxophones and electronics and trumpets. that’s music. paper sounds are noise. just NOISE

T shhsh- they’re about to start the coffee house again.

J oh dear. i think i’ll leave-

T shh- the MUSIC is about to begin!!

J you mean, the NOISE is about to begin!!

MC That was Ben Jenkins with his Rhapsody in Bond. Welcome back to the stage now: Kord Russel. Kord, I have a feeling that that piece that you’re gonna do next will be baffling -- "People-ism?"

K: It's the result of some particularly frustrating conversations that I've recently had concerning gender.

MC: Gender -- you mean like sex? Boys and girls?

K: Perhaps.

MC: But there will be no gender in it -- there won't even be any mention of women -- it will all be men.

K: No, it won't. But you have hit on something relevant: As a result of the conversations I've been having, I decided to consider my closest relationships in terms of gender. I quickly realized that gender was the least interesting category to consider. I was more interested in other distinctions that determined our relations -- passions, quirks, hopes and fears. Characterizing any of these distinctions as gender-specific added nothing to them -- it was either culturally redundant or culturally inconsistent to do so. So what?

So I wrote down these conversations, carefully extracting all gendered terms from them.

== tried mixing up these conversations with other textual fragments that might explode, or implode, them in various yet-undetermined ways.

MC: The point of the conversations?

K: Exactly: the point.

MC: Sounds dangerous -- politically -- like saying you’re 'colorblind' as a way of 'combatting' racism.

K: I think it is dangerous. I hope it's something else at the same time -- that, I don't know yet. I can tell you what it's against: Most people only see gender, i.e., see everything as subcategory of gender. I offer this piece at least as a break from that homogenous gender blob

MC: one more question before we hear the piece: what gender are you?

K: yellow ochre

MC Thanks man. Thank you all for coming out and make sure you tip your waiter good. Okay, our last act tonight is Rob Benton, and he’s going to read an I-Poem, a poem about himself. Take it away, my man.

[applause]

[silence]

J: what are you listening to?

M: 20 consonant radio

J: oh, i’ve had enough of that

M: no you should listen to this poem:

wow we be forgone chime/

J that doesn’t even make sense

M this stuff is great. you’re just stuck in the realm of constraint freedom. you should live a little… take today for example: i talked to the bank teller only allowing myself 2 consonants per word. more money. more money. need some now.

J and?

M well, she asked me if i had an account there

J and?

M well, i pretty much just kept saying: need money.

J so Y is a vowel. i see. and what happened?

M nothing. she looked at me, smiled, and that was it.

J did you get your money?

M nope…. can you buy me some food?

[mixer off]

W [with music? rock]

ZOXY radio, Cincinatti’s so-so Susie suki-yaki quell bob jam wave, off Hugo/Susie’s yacht toy travelling jazzy pad. FM (104) Wequabex / Radio, Cincinatti’s ZOXY!